This is horrific beyond words. I’m so sorry that you were subjected to this unforgivable violence, Catriona.
Long story cut very short: an ex 30 years ago started to strangle me during an argument at his place. God knows how I managed to get away, but somehow I did. After reporting it to the police (which was pointless) he then followed me a few weeks later and tried to do the same thing again one night as I was walking home. This time I couldn’t get away, but thankfully he ended up letting go of my neck when a couple walked past and saw it. The police didn’t do anything because he was already a criminal involved in ‘worse things’ that they were investigating him for. I was lucky to get away. Lots of women aren’t.
I’ve never had support for that, but it feels sufficiently long ago that I don’t feel much about it these days. Although that’s probably dysfunctional in itself. I feel deep anger that it continues to happen to other women though.
It’s surprising to me how many people have been victims of domestic abuse. And yes it can absolutely happen to anyone from any background.
One of the things that pisses me off in and around the film is the discussion around the fashion in it. I don’t even know where to begin to describe my disgust. 🤬
Despite going through it myself, I don’t feel I have anything useful to say. Other than I understand, and thank you for shining a light on an under-discussed subject. 🤍 May we all stand strong together. X
Thank you Jo for sharing your story and your experience. I can't imagine how terrifying that must have been - and so glad you found ways to escape and find safety. I do know what it feels like to go to the police and have them do nothing and although they say law enforcement is improving - there are still so many gaps and oversights. It is hard enough to work up the courage to report it, let alone have to cope with being told it is not too bad - or in my case, reporting a sexual assault, I was told it was probably my fault. (I don't think there is any emoji which encompasses my current reaction to that).
I agree that the discussion about the fashion in this film is so confusing. I heard someone say on YouTube that is as if they have tried to make domestic violence a subgenre of a standard Rom Com - that sounds about accurate to me.
And I don't think anything 'useful' is needed in this space. However, for me, it touched me that you shared your experience and it definitely helped me feel supported in sharing mine. Thank you
Thank you so much Michele. This happened more than 10 years ago, the fear and shame sit within us a long time after. It takes a lot of unpacking until finally been able to speak out and share.
Oof, this piece hit me right between the eyes. I am so sorry for what you have been through and very grateful that you found your way out the other side, despite having very few resources to guide you. Thank you for sharing your story Catriona 💕
Thank you for your comment and your support Clare. You also write so intelligently about trauma and healing - so I know you have your own first-hand experience of recovery journeys and how hard they can be. Following your writing and others on here has supported me in feeling able to talk about this and other traumatic experiences. So thank you for reading and commenting.
Thank you for this powerful piece. I am so glad you are here.
I would like to include your essay at the bottom of mine with others highlighting Domestic Violence Awareness Month, with your permission. There are so few essays on the subject and sharing our stories helps to kill the shame.
Thank you for this comment Michele. I checked out the other writers you linked on that piece and appreciated their posts as well as yours. I appreciate you asking permission to link my piece on your article and happy for you to share it there. Our voices are stronger when we support each other. I know how difficult it is to undo that shame.
‘I have been at parties, where people pontificate about abuse in abstract academic terms, naively assuming no one at the table has been a victim. That is my turn to go silent, my body too rigid with fury and fear to be able to articulate trauma to people who cannot fathom why women do not leave, or who think it’s just terrible, blissfully convinced that it could never happen to them (or anyone they know).’
Brilliantly written (this and your whole piece 👏👏). If people say “I don’t know anyone affected by domestic abuse” I say “you absolutely do…you just don’t know you do.” Such an important piece of writing - thank you for posting x
Thank you for this comment Angela. And yes such a valuable phrase to have ready. I am still often stunned by the way even people dismiss stories of abuse or quickly forget them. It seems very difficult for our culture as a whole to comprehend/believe unless you have been in it.
Heartfelt and powerful, this is such a strong and powerful piece.
Thank you so much Bonnie. I appreciate your words.
This is horrific beyond words. I’m so sorry that you were subjected to this unforgivable violence, Catriona.
Long story cut very short: an ex 30 years ago started to strangle me during an argument at his place. God knows how I managed to get away, but somehow I did. After reporting it to the police (which was pointless) he then followed me a few weeks later and tried to do the same thing again one night as I was walking home. This time I couldn’t get away, but thankfully he ended up letting go of my neck when a couple walked past and saw it. The police didn’t do anything because he was already a criminal involved in ‘worse things’ that they were investigating him for. I was lucky to get away. Lots of women aren’t.
I’ve never had support for that, but it feels sufficiently long ago that I don’t feel much about it these days. Although that’s probably dysfunctional in itself. I feel deep anger that it continues to happen to other women though.
It’s surprising to me how many people have been victims of domestic abuse. And yes it can absolutely happen to anyone from any background.
One of the things that pisses me off in and around the film is the discussion around the fashion in it. I don’t even know where to begin to describe my disgust. 🤬
Despite going through it myself, I don’t feel I have anything useful to say. Other than I understand, and thank you for shining a light on an under-discussed subject. 🤍 May we all stand strong together. X
Thank you Jo for sharing your story and your experience. I can't imagine how terrifying that must have been - and so glad you found ways to escape and find safety. I do know what it feels like to go to the police and have them do nothing and although they say law enforcement is improving - there are still so many gaps and oversights. It is hard enough to work up the courage to report it, let alone have to cope with being told it is not too bad - or in my case, reporting a sexual assault, I was told it was probably my fault. (I don't think there is any emoji which encompasses my current reaction to that).
I agree that the discussion about the fashion in this film is so confusing. I heard someone say on YouTube that is as if they have tried to make domestic violence a subgenre of a standard Rom Com - that sounds about accurate to me.
And I don't think anything 'useful' is needed in this space. However, for me, it touched me that you shared your experience and it definitely helped me feel supported in sharing mine. Thank you
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am glad you are here and you made it.
Thank you so much Michele. This happened more than 10 years ago, the fear and shame sit within us a long time after. It takes a lot of unpacking until finally been able to speak out and share.
Oof, this piece hit me right between the eyes. I am so sorry for what you have been through and very grateful that you found your way out the other side, despite having very few resources to guide you. Thank you for sharing your story Catriona 💕
Thank you for your comment and your support Clare. You also write so intelligently about trauma and healing - so I know you have your own first-hand experience of recovery journeys and how hard they can be. Following your writing and others on here has supported me in feeling able to talk about this and other traumatic experiences. So thank you for reading and commenting.
💕
Thank you for this powerful piece. I am so glad you are here.
I would like to include your essay at the bottom of mine with others highlighting Domestic Violence Awareness Month, with your permission. There are so few essays on the subject and sharing our stories helps to kill the shame.
I would add it to the bottom of this essay. NOTE: Trigger/Content Warning: https://mlpeterswrites.substack.com/p/guilt-is-a-banshee
Thank you for this comment Michele. I checked out the other writers you linked on that piece and appreciated their posts as well as yours. I appreciate you asking permission to link my piece on your article and happy for you to share it there. Our voices are stronger when we support each other. I know how difficult it is to undo that shame.
‘I have been at parties, where people pontificate about abuse in abstract academic terms, naively assuming no one at the table has been a victim. That is my turn to go silent, my body too rigid with fury and fear to be able to articulate trauma to people who cannot fathom why women do not leave, or who think it’s just terrible, blissfully convinced that it could never happen to them (or anyone they know).’
Brilliantly written (this and your whole piece 👏👏). If people say “I don’t know anyone affected by domestic abuse” I say “you absolutely do…you just don’t know you do.” Such an important piece of writing - thank you for posting x
Thank you for this comment Angela. And yes such a valuable phrase to have ready. I am still often stunned by the way even people dismiss stories of abuse or quickly forget them. It seems very difficult for our culture as a whole to comprehend/believe unless you have been in it.