How to Rest and Remember
New lessons from wandering the rice fields of Bali
Hello friends,
Have you ever eaten a mangosteen?
Have you ever thought, as you are sucking up each of those tiny fruit pieces, this is a fruit rebelling the frames of capitalism?
I was considering this in Bali last month—devouring mangosteen after mangosteen. Each fruit requires pressing your fingers into its hard skin and covering yourself with sticky juice.
A mangosteen is inefficient. It takes longer to peel than to eat.
Workers could not toil for long hours in fields or factories after a meal of mangosteen as it contains only a few small pieces.
Nutritious but never filling.
It is the taste of inefficient sweetness. Pure, inefficient pleasure.
Bali reminds me I have a body. Hair which falls over my shoulders. Skin which I drench in oil so it is smooth to the touch. Feet on cold bathroom tiles.
I find it strange I forgot myself so completely. As if I have been stored away and suddenly found again.
Maybe this is what happens in the modern world, when work projects, getting to the office and exercising all get done, but not felt.
Maybe feeling would be too much all at once.
So I move slowly along the uneven paths, weaving in and out of rice fields. I want to go faster, but my legs refuse.
And as I turn to my body.
It tells me to rest.
I remember a previous trip to Bali, a solo trip before going to meet a relatively new boyfriend.
I remember all the ways I tried to make my body perfect before going to meet him. I got a pedicure, I waxed everything I could think to wax, I ate carefully, I bought some new clothes. Moulding myself into the most physically perfect version of myself I could be.
I used to think of dating as a prize for working through my issues - as if the universe awarded me with love for healing.
My heart breaks for that girl who thought she had to be some version of perfect to be worthy of connection. All the ways that systems taught me to strive, to push, to hone, to pluck, to edit, to prune, to oversee, forget my knowing.
It is perhaps no surprise how much undoing of old teaching I needed to work through to be at ease saying - this is me.
To stop when I needed to stop. To notice that I am here. To be at peace in the undulating changing shapes that I occupy.
To walk at the pace my body wants to go.
Water gushes from fountains and through irrigation tracks. Frogs and newts splosh, soaked by rain-induced joy. Passionfruits fall from trees to land before me on my path.
Surrounded by nature’s enthusiasm, I find that I am exhausted.
Forced to see myself. I am forced to see that it is not exertion or productivity that is needed. It is replenishing. It is remembering.
So, I let my plans slip. I focus on the humid, abundant world before me. I drink numerous smoothies - cacao, tangerine, ginger, watermelon and maca. I sweat slowly in yoga and wander the narrow cliff paths away from town.
I see a red parrot dart before on the path.
A small firefly - like a fairy light with wings - lands on my leg.
I let myself exhale.
But not all exhaling is sweet like mangosteen.
It is magical and also a bit sad. I get a bit sick.
I stare, not only at the rice fields but at all I have set aside in my life. All the ways I have not tended to myself. All the ways I repeat the same patterns in different times and places.
All the ways we are hurting this world, with our demands for productivity and the pursuit of our goals.
I think of the planetary boundaries and what will we do when we don’t have the natural world to turn to.
What will we do when the wasteland, the air-conditioned spaces are all we have left? How will we be reminded of our sensuality, of our soulfulness, of our own wild nature?
How will we remember our humanity when nature is no longer there to remind us?
I am struck that money and richness are not the same thing. I am struck by how confused I have become.
Some inspiration
A few resources I have leaned into, to embrace slowing down, listening to nature’s voice and trusting my own process and timing:
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By
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Travel with me
Thank you for being here friends. As you can tell from the above post, it has been hard to keep writing the past month, with other demands in my life.
I am exploring how to support my journey through my creative process, so I can find the balance between my day job, rest and writing and publishing.
After all, part of a worthwhile journey is finding your way when you get a bit lost.
I would love your advice and insight. So tell me:
How have you found rest for yourself in a busy world?
What helps you maintain consistency in your creative and heart projects when you have other pressing demands in your life?
What are your thoughts about mangosteen saving the world? :)
I ate my first mangosteen today, what a feast for the eyes that fruit is. I brought it back from Bangkok, where I stopped over on the way from a month in Bali. I have walked those same Ubud rice field paths…and shared many a similar thought. Glad to have found your substack. I look forward to reading you.
This is so sensual and beautiful. It felt like my breath slowed down just from reading it.