An Alternative Guide to Goals
An Alternative Guide to Goals
Becoming tenders of ourselves in a world which does not support tending
It seems like on social media we are bombarded with pressure to become better versions of ourselves. Exercise more, drink less, cut out sugar, finish that thing we started but never got done. All fuelled by less caffeine and a supply of discipline which previously escaped our lazy selves.
I have used resolutions to beat myself up. To will myself into a better version of myself who is more hydrated and goes to bed on time. It has sometimes worked for months -or even years - but there is always a moment when forcing myself into compliance fails and everything dramatically unravels - until I quietly remember the joy of my tendencies instead of fighting them.
Now, whenever someone tells me that it is only discipline and structure which are needed to meet my goals, I usually ask myself the following questions:
Are they a man?
Are they able-bodied?
Do they have reliable financial resources?
Are they neurotypical?
Do they have care responsibilities?
Are they living with trauma? (Actually, I will caveat that living with trauma helped me to have a rigid routine for many years - which I compulsively maintained until I burned out).
In short, it is much easier to think that discipline and motivation are all that are required to meet your goals when your expectations and experience align with the broader systems we live within.
Feeling superior to the rest of the world
For six years I got up at 6.00 am every day, walked to a yoga studio or a mat in my home and did a rigorous Ashtanga yoga practice for two hours before work.
To give you a picture of my commitment, I did this yoga practice:
on freezing cold January mornings in Scotland;
in tiny, dark hotel rooms in parts of Senegal where I was travelling for work;
in a car park in Canberra
and on dusty courtyards in rural Myanmar.
I will admit - I felt superior to the general population when I did yoga at 6.00 am every day. But I would also beat myself up if I was sick or missed a day. I would feel incredibly tired on the weekly assigned rest day and it didn’t heal my trauma or make me a better person.
As a relatively unstructured person by nature, I did learn a lot from the discipline required to maintain this practice. Daily yoga calmed my tendency to want to always shift to something new. Its consistency helped me move through heartaches and frustrations and it improved the way my body moved. Yet ultimately the same structure which helped me learn these skills held me prisoner.
Because my commitment to this practice also prevented me from having time and energy to do other things I was passionate about.
It required me to go to bed early and as a result, made me less fun and not a good party guest.
The rigours of such a physical practice started to give me back aches and wrist pains.
And the attention it required meant I avoided some of the deeper problems in my life, rather than give them care and attention.
Ultimately, I realised that I was dictated to by the discipline of Ashtanga - rather than empowered by it. I needed a routine which supported my whole self, rather than competed with it.
And so I slowly let the practice and myself unravel. (A long journey with many stops along the way - for another time).
Becoming a tender of myself in a world which does not support this tending
My lesson? Structures work best when we have the wisdom to understand when we no longer need them. To use our experience - not to reinforce but to discern - so we know to not blindly follow a routine - but explore until we master what we need.
What I take forward from this is to be a careful tender of myself - by learning ways to navigate a world which does not support me in this tending.
I do not need to erode myself in pursuit of anything but I can challenge myself. To know which medicine is needed at any given time: structure or freedom. And the strength to take the medicine I need - even if it feels uncomfortable.
There is power in harnessing the seasons we live within. But there is a more subtle system-changing power, in leaning into the structures which nourish as they hold - not scold. Ones which feed us - not deprive us- which allow us to move - and also to rest.
And sometimes the sweetest changes are the quiet ones - the subtle shifts of currents - without any dramatic declarations of becoming a better person. Meeting that part of ourselves when it passes by.
I have found it usually does when I stop forcing it into being.
Some unconventional ideas to find ways to meet your goals
- Identify your tendency - then seek out the opposite.
- Remember we don’t all need the same things. Hone in on what you need to get where you want to go.
- Compliance and discipline only get you so far. Play and rest are also needed to find flow.
- Don’t count the ins and outs of daily accomplishment as your markers. Play the long game and stay close to your vision.
- Work out your ego attachment to routine and discipline. It doesn’t make you a better person.
How do you balance structure and freedom in working towards your goals?
I so enjoyed reading this. Looking forward to reading more. The question about balance, I certainly don't have enough of it regarding rest or looking after myself without feeling guilty. The questions you asked have given me some new ways of looking at what I ask myself and how to reflect.
I did ashtanga for a couple of years, read ashtanga blogs, traveled to study in ashtanga studios in Paris, London, Vienna and New York. And then I spent several years not doing asthanga and feeling bad about myself... Now I still do yoga, occasionally, but feel much healthier about my relationship with it. If I go to an ashtanga class, I will only do a short version of a led class, it is what I can handle, but I do love chanting the intro mantra, I still remember every word.